Day 16 - Lists

A quick overview:

Ever heard of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo)? A great place to practice your writing skills and an opportunity to realize that you can. I've been a part for many years, but barely participated once, four years ago. I love writing and being creative, but I guess the prospect of writing has been as daunting to me as it has been for most people out there. And I guess, in many ways, it still is. I recently received an e-mail about May being the short story month, writing a Story A Day. Even though I've not done any of the other days, I think today is a good day to start. 

Day 16: The List

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5 steps to help you move on

1. Start afresh. Similar to having a blank page, an empty white sheet of flora corpse. Forget everything before, forget it. It didn't happen. There was never anything in that forest. Nothing. No looming trees, no strange shadows, no unexpected rocks, no foot-tripping roots, no disgusting swamp, no wet clothes, no tangled shoelaces, no left-behind left boot, no eerily increasing light, no strange sounds, no vision of her, no vision of- of- no... no her.
2. Let the old go. Let it out. Her scream. Your shout. It's gone. Anger at yourself. It's gone and it was not your fault. Anger at her. She did not have to go into the forest. She did not need to collect her so-called perfect little 'fairies'. Those projects were stupid anyway. Now, your house is cluttered with her perfect little creations and now you have to deal with it. She should have stacked them on a trolley and took them with her into the forest. Every time. Every single time she went into the forest to look for her damn 'fairies'.
3. (It's not) an eye for an eye. Could it be her eye for your eye? Surely it should have been you instead? A daily routine, a daily collection, surely you should have gone in her stead? You know you've done it before. You've collected the cones before. You did a pretty good job. She said so. If only the conifers did not amaze her. If only her eyes did not sparkle at the possibility of projects that 'combined nature babies with art'. If only you'd gone instead. If only...
4. Focus on change. And now... now... now what remains? She's gone. Her projects... her little creations... are still here, but she... the life essence, the creator of happiness and all things good, is gone. The house is empty. It feels dark and cloudy, food tastes bland. The corners of your mouth are slowly forgetting the muscles that pulled them higher. The white hard hat hangs, forgotten. Her scream echoes in your mind. Your eyes are dry. Two of everything, now uncertain. Even your right boot is left alone.
5. Live. It was something she did everyday. In the mornings, she'd put on her coat, kiss your sleeping forehead goodbye and swiftly move out to the forest. You'd watch her silhouette decrease as she moved further away, and drift off to sleep knowing that she'd be back to make pancakes. On this day, your sleep had been interrupted by her scream. You had jumped out of bed, barely dressed but not caring, had pulled on your boots without tying them, had run towards her sound silence. The dusk had clouded your vision, your running had been profound. You'd tripped, become one with the coniferous swamp. As you'd lifted your head you had seen her. Pinecone, they'd said. Extremely unlikely, they'd said. Now, you were here.
   
   Now, you are here. And the only thing you can do is to get up; to be. 

~ Melissa

5 steps to 'move on' and the ever-present 5 stages of grief.